What The Fuck Is Going On

Before I start, let’s have a moment of silence and celebration for the departure of the prolapsed arsehole dressed as a human that is David William Donald Cameron.

Personally, I can draw a lot of similarities between Dave leaving today and that time when someone took a shit on my dining room chair and then quickly exited without helping to clean it up. The only difference between Dave and the anonymous Shitter is that the Shitter didn’t make the whole nation watch them do it.

So yes, let’s all have a moment to be really happy that he’s finally gone.

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Everyone enjoy that? GOOD, because you won’t be enjoying anything else in this post.

Today I want to ask, What The Fuck Is Going On? 
Because I am confused. Britain has made me confused, and sad, and blind with rage. I think if I write down why, maybe people who know What The Fuck Is Going On will be able to let me in on What The Fuck Is Going On, too.

To hark back to a Facebook status I made recently:

• We have left the EU.
• All the key orchestrators of that decision have resigned.
• By Thursday, Theresa May is going to be our prime minister, unchallenged.
• The only potential serious opposition, The Labour party, is too busy eating itself to actually do any real opposing.
• The opposition may be run soon by a woman whose first name is "Argh".
• The opposition is also polling EIGHT points BEHIND the Tories.

So yes, please if you happen to know just What The Fuck Is Going On, please do read on, and help me.

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Ham Cam has left, but he is being replaced ~in super democratic fashion~ by Theresa May. Let’s have a wee chat about Theresa May.

Theresa Mary May is 59 and was born on the 1^st October. If you were hoping I would continue to be impartial about her, I’d stop reading now. Theresa May – and I really mean this – is a fucking bellend. 
Don’t believe me? I went to the very useful website They Work For You to have a look at her voting record. Here are a few things that she voted for and against. A full list can be found here. 

• Theresa May voted against reducing the age of consent for homosexual acts from 18 to 16. (BECAUSE WHO NEEDS EQUALITY)
• Theresa May voted against a new law requiring private vehicles to be smoke-free where a person under the age of 18 is present. (BECAUSE KIDS INHALING CIGARETTE SMOKE IS SUPER COOL)
• Theresa May voted against the hunting ban. (BECAUSE FOXES ARE SCUM AND WE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO SIT ON ON HORSEBACK WHILE OUR DOGS RIP THEM TO PIECES, THEN WIPE THE BLOOD ON OUR FACES AND RIDE GLORIOUSLY INTO THE SUNSET)
• Theresa May voted in favour of repealing the Human Rights Act 1998. (BECAUSE WHO THE FUCK NEEDS HUMAN RIGHTS, NOT US)
• Theresa May voted against allowing a terminally ill person to be lawfully given assistance to end their life. (BECAUSE IT’S NOT YOUR DECISION, FATALLY ILL PEOPLE IN TERRIBLE PAIN, AND YOU CAN’T DO WHAT YOU WANT TO MAKE YOURSELF MORE COMFORTABLE, FUCK OFF)
• Theresa May voted for the Iraq War. (Let’s not even go there right now, christ)
• Theresa May voted in favour of a referendum on the UK’s membership of the EU. (AND JUST LOOK AT WHERE WE ARE NOW, WONDERFUL)
• Theresa May voted for the bedroom tax. (BECAUSE THAT CUPBOARD FULL OF BOXES AND BABY CLOTHES AND ACTUAL SHIT IS IN FACT A BEDROOM YOU IDIOT SO SLEEP IN IT OR PAY ME)
• Theresa May voted against those unable to work due to illness or disability receiving higher benefits. (I don’t even have a comeback for this one, it’s just fucking nasty.)
• Theresa May voted against a banker’s bonus tax. (BECAUSE THEY NEED OUR HELP, THEY’RE SO VERY POOR, WAH)
• Theresa May voted against implementing a series of proposals intended to reduce tax avoidance and evasion. (I WONDER WHY)
• Theresa May voted for higher taxes on alcoholic drinks. (SO WHEN YOU’RE IN YOUR BEDROOM/CUPBOARD CRYING BOTH BECAUSE YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO FEED YOURSELF AND BECAUSE OF GUILT OVER THE DEATHS OF INNOCENT CIVILIANS YOU CAN’T EVEN HAVE A DRINK TO TAKE TO THE EDGE OFF)

And now, this woman, with her stellar voting record, and her vans telling immigrants to GO HOME is our prime minister. Now this woman, with her numerous similarities to Satan, is the leader of our nation.

This is nice, innit

One of the worst things about this? She wasn’t even close to being democratically elected. She just sat back, watched everyone else fall to pieces, and took the crown (how very Cersei). This, by the way, also makes her a hypocrite, given what she said about Gordon Brown in 2007. 

We need Theresa May as prime minister like a dead pig needs a dick in its mouth.

Having said that: I am actually delighted about her new position. This is because Theresa May is a WOMAN.

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Let’s have a wee chat about WOMEN,or as they are affectionately known by me, The Superior Gender. I put the word in pink, because that’s what females like. They like pink, shoes, handbags, and of course other WOMEN. Which is why we should support, unthinkingly, our new overlord (sorry, overLADY) and all of us females should throw ourselves headfirst into the love-in over Angela Eagle. 
Because that’s what feminists do! We blindly back any woman, regardless of how much she is harming other women! Because a xenophobic, elitist, out of touch, maniacal WOMAN in power is better than no WOMAN in power at all. And we’d do well to remember that.

Let’s have a wee chat about Angela Eagle, or as she is affectionately known by me, “Argh” Eagle (due to her disastrous campaign posters featuring her signature over both a patriotic and FEMALE union flag).

Look at all the things ladies like being displayed here

I looked up someone’s voting record again. Less extensively than last time:

•         Angela Eagle voted for university tuition fees. (After enjoying free university herself. Because when you reach the top of the ladder the best thing to do is to kick it away, so none of those peasants can join you.)
•          Angela Eagle voted for the Iraq war. (AAAAARGH)
•         Angela Eagle voted against an investigation into the Iraq war. (Will the real Sir Chilcot please stand up)
•          Angela Eagle voted for air strikes on Syria. (AAAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH DID YOU LEARN NOTHING)
•          Anglea Eagle abstained on the welfare bill. (Bloody brilliant, not like those poor people need you anyway, right?)
•          Angela Eagle voted against selling England’s state owned forests. (Because everyone has some redeeming factors, don’t they? #HOOF)

With a voting record like that, you could probably confuse Argh for someone rather right wing. 
The Labour Party defines itself as a “democratic, socialist party”. Correct me if I’m wrong, but 'socialist' and 'right wing' don’t tend to go hand in hand, do they? We had a go at having someone not really all that left wing in charge, and look how well that went.

Rly thrilled with how everything is going

If Labour are actually going to be the “democratic, socialist party” they claim they are, perhaps they should stop fucking around and try and unite behind the ~actual socialist~ that was democratically elected last September with an overwhelming shitting mandate. The Labour party needs Angela Eagle (or Owen Smith, whoever he is) as its leader like a dead pig needs a dick in its mouth.

While I’m here, let’s have a wee chat about Jeremy Corbyn, or, as he is affectionately known by me, Heart Eyes Emoji In The Form Of A Human Man.

It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I love Jez. I love his face, and his beard, and his crumpled shirts, and the t-shirts he wears under them, and his withering looks, and his overall aura of giving absolutely no fucks. And that doesn’t even touch on his politics. 
I’m a raving left wing socialist fanatic, of course I love him. The man who opposed apartheid so hard he was arrested for it.  The man who objects to austerity in all of its ugly forms and never shuts up about it. The man who is a pacifist, and proud. The man who has announced a plan to scrap tuition fees. The man so full of integrity that actually he might be running the party into the ground a bit because he’s that stubborn but actually who cares because he’s the opposite of Personality Politicians and in my own stubborn brain I think that might be exactly what this shithole of a nation needs right now. 
And I know, I know, that Jezzer Corbantz might not be the most charismatic man that ever lived. I know sometimes in interviews he comes off as cold, or as if he thinks the interviewer is stupid (often justified, loads of them are), but get this – we had a charismatic Labour leader; we tried that. Blair was charismatic as hell, and over a hundred thousand Iraqis died because of him. (Yes, because of him. Fight me.)

I love you, Heart Eyes Emoji In The Form Of A Human Man. I’m going to be voting for you again. Obviously.

This brings me very neatly to the PLP, or as they are affectionately known by me, The Backstabbing Bastards Who Only Give A Crap About Their Own Careers. Three quarters of MPs supported a vote of no confidence in Corbyn the other week, conveniently ignoring that 251,417 Labour party members and supporters expressed extreme confidence in him when they voted him in last year (not to mention the hundreds of thousands of people who joined Labour after he was elected). Funny that.

Yesterday, it was confirmed that Corbyn would be allowed to be on the ballot for the leadership election. However the NEC, or as they are affectionately known by me, The Gang Of Massive Fucking Judases, waited till Corbz left and then did a super sneaky thing. Robert Peston yesterday reported that the NEC ruled that the 130,000-ish members who signed up since Brexit would be denied a vote. Unless – and it’s a big fucking Unless – they could pay £25 in the next two days.

UNDERHANDED CUNTS.

Here’s my take on this. £3, even to someone on JSA or living solely on benefits, is not a lot of money. £3 is a reasonable amount to pay to sign up and be given a voice. £25, however, is not. Shelly Asquith, Vice President at the NUS, put it this way:

To any working class people (i.e. a huge number of Labour's support), £25 is quite a lot of money! So to have paid your £3, and been assured that you will have the right to vote in all leadership elections, only to be told that the amount is now 8x the size and payable in 2 days? You’d feel a little put out too, right? How wonderfully democratic and fair of the NEC. I cannot express enough how much this has annoyed me. 

EXPLAIN THIS.

For a “democratic, socialist party” they are certainly doing a lot to alienate their working class voters in the most undemocratic way possible. I became a member last September, so I’m fine, but I’ll be fucked if I’m going to sit back and watch other people be denied the vote THAT THEY ALREADY PAID FOR. So if anyone hears of any protests that need numbers, petitions that need signing, or for someone to puke on a piece of paper and mould it into the shape of a complaint letter, please do hit me up.

. 

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So, in summary:

•        I am still SO MAD that this rainy fascist island voted to leave the EU. Why, Britain? If, on top of everything else, we lose Scotland and Wales over this, I'm going to shit a whole brick. 
•      The Tories were, and still are, shithouses. Fuck you for making us all suffer Theresa May.
•      The Labour party, who have *quite* the window to be doing some stellar opposing, are instead hell bent on opposing each other, which as you can tell I am THRILLED about.
•      Don’t think we’ve forgotten about you, Nigel Farage, or as he is affectionately known by me, Man For Whom The Word Cunt Is Too Good. I remember your racist poster in the run up to Brexit. I remember your words after Jo Cox was murdered. I remember you conveniently resigning but holding on to your MEP salary until we ‘officially’ leave the EU. I remember it all, and if you even try to make a political comeback, I will personally campaign as hard as I can to ensure that you are deported to the heart of the sun.

•         If anyone wants to try and secede from the UK, create a nice new country where everyone is just better to each other, and we have festivals all the time (perhaps like an independent Scotland, but warmer), get in touch. I’m well up for it.
•         Seriously, What The Fuck Is Going On.