Customer gripe.

Good afternoon all.

I am a disgruntled worker in the customer service sector. Before you assume that I’ve been working as a waitress for a week and hate it because I’m a lazy youth who would much prefer to be sitting down watching movies and stuffing my face and wouldn’t know a hard days’ work if it hit me in the behind and therefore can’t possibly comment, let me give you some background. I very nearly wrote “let me hit you with some knowledge”, but I fear a Dodgeball reference would only reinforce your view of me as the aforementioned lazy youth.

I’ve been working since I was 13, specifically in the customer service sector since I was 15. I’ve worked as a babysitter, waitress, shop floor attendant, nanny, bartender, and receptionist (at various times, not all at once. I’m not fucking Jesus.) I have, over the past seven years, honed my customer service skills to perfection. I mean perfection. I can detect the mood of a customer from 100 paces, therefore knowing how to adjust my facial expression and tone of my voice accordingly so they believe I am truly interested in them personally, and don’t think I’m taking the piss.

Seven years is a long time. I’m 22; seven years is almost a third of my life. I have devoted a third of my life to making sure that other people are so happy they can barely contain themselves, whilst simultaneously making sure they believe that I am 12,000 times happier than I actually am. This fact is vaguely soul-destroying. In order to stop myself from tearing out lots of hair (my own, someone else’s, I’m not fussy) or smashing glasses or smearing a poo-filled nappy into someone’s face, I created a list of things that annoy me about my customers. This list may seem masochistic to you, but I find it cathartic.

Whenever I have to serve a grownup more whiny and needy than a one-year-old that’s been sat in urine for three hours, I remember the list. Suddenly I no longer want to tear/smash/smear anything, and can continue to dazzle them with my winning smile. (I’m not being facetious here; I actually do have a winning smile. I went on a customer service course a few years ago, an hour of which was dedicated to creating the perfect smile, and I was the only one to be given a “good work” sticker during that hour. It may sound trivial, but it was the single greatest achievement of my entire life.)

I realise I could get into real trouble for not only thinking these things, but daring to write them down and then – gasp – publish them on the internet. If I am fired it won’t be in vain, as long as just one customer who has ever acted in any of these ways has read and learnt from my grumbling. (Obviously, though, I would rather not be fired.)

Below is the list. And below that are anecdotes of some encounters with particularly odious customers.

In order to get the most out of the list, imagine that you are the customer who has just done something utterly fuckwitted, and that I am saying out loud to you what I usually say in my head behind my sticker-earning smile.

1. My name is not “Oi.” Do not use it to get my attention. Would you call any other person working in any other profession “Oi”? I bet you wouldn’t. When was the last time you called a police officer “Oi”? Exactly.
2. On the subject of names, mine is also not “darling”, “sweetheart”, “love” or anything else repulsive. Those nicknames are reserved for my parents and my boyfriend. In case you were wondering, my name is Shoni. (Just like that, I’m no longer anonymous. Let’s hope I don’t get fired.)
3. On the subject of knowing my name, if you pronounce it wrong and I correct you, please try and remember. If after correcting you three billion times I start answering to “Shona”, it isn’t because I enjoyed your pronunciation of it so much I went and changed my name. It’s because I’m bored of correcting you and have other things to be getting on with. I may answer to Shona, but it’s not my name. There’s an entirely different vowel sound flung in there. If your name was Jon and I went around calling you Jen you wouldn’t like that, would you?
4. You are not always right. I know, I know, I’m going directly against everything I’ve ever been taught. Honestly though, you are not always right, and in this instance you are definitely not right. I am right. I’m always right. I work here. I know more about it than you do. I am right. Christ.

(Heads up, number 5 is aimed at a specific group of people, so if you’re not a racist, head straight down to number 6.)

5. STOP BEING RACIST. That deserved capitals. It is 2013; this should no longer be an issue. If I have to say to one more person ‘No really, I’m from London. I was born there. So were my parents,’ I’m going to break a plate over their skull. Just because I’m black and don’t have an English-sounding name doesn’t automatically mean I can’t speak English. I’m actually pretty eloquent when I’m not silently fuming or writing a passive-aggressive blog post. Also, don’t ask me if I’m sure I was born in Britain. Of course I’m sure. Are you sure you’re a dickhead?
6. (If you’ve come straight here from number 4, I congratulate you on not being a total cock. Here’s the next thing I’m cross about.) Don’t assume that just because I work in the industry I do that I’m not intelligent. Yes, I realise someone intelligent would have phrased that better. Oh, the irony. Seriously though, I’m a university graduate. Even if I wasn’t, how dare you assume that because I’m serving you it means I’m not as clever as you?
7. Wave your arms or click your fingers all you want mate. The more you do it the less I want to serve you. No really, keep going, I’m here all night and I’m bored; playing “Let’s Pretend I Haven’t Seen Them” with myself is actually super fun. 
8. Don’t even think about asking me for something while I’m clearly serving someone else. Why would you do that in the first place? It’s not only distracting for me; it’s disrespectful to the person who actually waited in line to be served. It’s the equivalent of going up to a doctor while they’re sticking a thermometer up someone’s arse and demanding they examine your tongue. That was a stupid analogy; it’s nowhere near the same thing. But the image of a doctor finishing a rectal exam and immediately sticking their fingers in your mouth is making me really happy.
9. For the love of Pete, don’t complain about me while I’m right there. Either do it to my face, or wait till I’m out of earshot. Once I’m away from your table, I don’t care if you moan to your friends about some horribly huge mistake I’ve made, like putting the ketchup next to you. (Sounds ridiculous, but it actually happened. See anecdote 3.)  Go ahead, wait till I’ve walked away and gripe about it till you’re satisfied but don’t do it while I’m only two paces away. I can hear you, arse face. It hurts my feelings when someone bitches about me loudly while I’m right there. I’m a human being.
10. On the subject of human beings, please try and remember that I am one. It’s really easy. You only have to ask yourself one question: ‘If this was my friend I was talking to, would I say to them what I am saying to her?’ If so, you’re probably a crappy friend. If not, you’re probably being a dick. No matter how annoyed you become with the person serving you, there is no excuse for turning all Gordon Ramsey on them. They don’t deserve to be the recipient of your insecurities about your penis (or vagina, try to keep it gender neutral). They’re trying to do their job. And do you honestly believe that you shouting and swearing at them and calling them horrible names is going to make them serve you quicker or get your order right? No. It’s going to turn them into a crumpled mess of emotions, like any normal human being. Because that’s what they are, what we are. Human beings.

That just about concludes my list of things. Of course, it’s a hell of a lot longer, but I'm writing a blog post, not a book. Those ten are the most annoying things customers can do. More will crop up in my anecdotes below. If you've succeeded in reading this far, you deserve your own “good work” sticker. Sometimes I find my own writing horrible to read, so well done.

Now for the anecdotes. Some funny, some horribly unbelievable, all containing gobshites. For the sake of me remaining un-fired, I have not referred to anyone by anything other than gender and haven’t written where all of this happened.

1.                I was cleaning things, and a customer came in and ordered a pint (no prizes for guessing in which environment this story takes place.) The lovely customer asked me my name, I tell him, and his reaction is one of complete surprise. Oh, I'm so sorry I'm not called Elizabeth, a proper British name that you would understand. (Actually, my middle name is Elizabeth, what a scream.) Here is how the rest of our conversation panned out:

‘So, where are you from?’

‘London, actually.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Were you born in London though?”

“Yep, in Roehampton.”

“Your mum and dad are from there too?”

“Yeah, they are.”

“But were they born in London?”

“Yes…”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

“Oh….” (At this point, I knew he was stumped. I could put him out of misery, and tell him my family history, but I didn't feel like doing that.) “What about your grandparents?”

(There it is.) “Blah blah blah Africa, blah blah America, blah blah the Caribbean.”

“Oh, ok. I knew you weren't all British, just had to figure out where it came from.”

Excuse my French, but what the fuck. Where what came from? While the rest of the conversation may have been paraphrasing, I remember the “where it came from” like it was yesterday. It’s been bothering me ever since. And the worst thing? I've had this conversation with so many people in so many workplaces that I've lost count. Recently, someone was surprised when I said hello and good afternoon to them. When I asked if they were all right, they replied ‘Oh yes, I just don’t expect your people to be good at customer service.’ That knocked me for six. "Your people"?? All the same are we? Get out. Oh, and there is of course the age old statement: ‘We don’t see many of your lot round here.’ which I worked out is best responded to with: ‘What, women?’ as it confuses them. Generally people I ask that to make the same face as my cat when confronted with many pieces of paper.

2.                Customer comes into the workplace with a bag of Chinese food. It is right in the middle of dinner service, so he can clearly see that we serve food. He asks ‘If I buy a drink, is it cool to eat this in here?’ No, customer. No it is not “cool”. Get out. I try and tell him this as politely as possible, and he asks to see my manager. I explain that my manager is currently busy, and that they would see him but until then he would have to wait outside. At this point, another customer comes to me and asks what he can smell, as it smells great and would like to order it. Realises what he can smell is Chinese food. He and his date leave abruptly to go and buy Chinese food. Customer with original Chinese food doesn't see a problem with this. Says he’ll wait for the manager inside, goes to the recently vacated table, sits down. At this point, couple who actually want to eat our food come in. Table with Chinese food man is the only one available. Fuckity fuck. Obviously that did not end pleasantly. I would like to say that was a new experience for me, but unfortunately it had happened before at another workplace, where a customer came in with a Caffé Nero cup and couldn't possibly imagine what might be wrong with that.

3.                This is the one I referred to in number 9 on the list. A wonderful man ordered a meal. In this meal, he wanted nothing red. ‘ABSOLUTELY NOTHING RED’ (accompanied this with huge sweeping hand gestures). I get that, I don't really like tomatoes either. I tell the kitchen. Dinner comes. His friends ask for ketchup. I go and get ketchup, and place it on the table. I have taken less than three steps away when I hear ABSOLUTELY NOTHING RED say ‘Did I or did I not tell her I wanted nothing red near my meal? And now she puts the ketchup down here. She knows I didn't want it. Is she stupid?’ I know this word for word as it happened only a few nights ago and I'm still quite upset it, being a human being with emotions. I'm sorry, Mr ABSOLUTELY NOTHING RED, that I put the ketchup near you. I'm sorry that upset you so very much. Next time I will squeeze the ketchup out onto your friends’ dinners myself. Or better yet, load a water gun with it and squirt it directly onto your friends’ plates from a safe distance. Naturally, your friends will be sitting at a different table to you, as you can’t possibly be in the same area as ANYTHING RED.

4.                I was working a particular establishment where we were encouraged to look very nice for work. So nice in fact that the main reason our customers would want to come in was because of the way the staff looked. No it was a strip club or Hooters, but thank you for thinking I'm attractive enough to work in either of those places, how kind.
Anyway, one of customers decided it would be appropriate to comment on how my backside was looking that evening. To be fair it was looking fantastic but that didn't mean I was going to enjoy him commenting on it. The fact that I didn't enjoy him commenting on my backside confused the customer – he pulled the cat/paper face and everything – to the point where eventually he ended up calling me frigid. I'm not sure in what universe me asking a stranger to stop talking about my arse makes me frigid. Perhaps you would have preferred me to fall at your feet, gushing: 'Oh, What’s that customer? You really like the way my bum looks? Bear with me one moment while I take all my clothes off and lead you by the tie to my bedroom.' NO.

5.                Another one along the lines of being stupid. Serving a lady, who asks for a gin and tonic with no ice. First of all, no ice? Are you a Neanderthal? Who drinks a gin and tonic with no ice? Anyway, I forget this, or deliberately ignore it, according to them. No matter that she could have stopped me while I was putting ice into the glass – they did watch me do it after all – it’s clearly my fault, as I'm an idiot who doesn't listen or did listen and chose to ignore them, not simply a person who had been working for 8 hours on her feet and simply did the very human thing of forgetting something. No, by all means customer, please listen to your friend and say: ‘She’s put ice in there. Why has she done that?’ and then say in return: ‘well what do you expect from someone who works in a bar?’

EXCUSE ME? Just because I am working here doesn't mean I'm some sort of idiot. I may be younger than you and wearing incredibly dirty jeans and working a minimum wage job but that does not mean you’re allowed to judge me, in any way. As it turns out, I have a degree, not a bad one either. I'm working to earn money to go back to university so I can become at teacher and one day hopefully teach your children that their parent is a rude old bugger. Please see grouch number 6. Even if I hadn't been to university and didn't have A Levels, or GCSEs, or anything at all, how dare you judge me in that manner. I am the recipient of a “good work” sticker for the creating a perfect smile section of the customer service course, so you can fuck right off. How’s that for customer service.

Those of you who have read this far, I'm very surprised at your dedication. If you are one of the people who has ever acted in any of these ways, shame on you, and I hope you change your ways. If you’re my boss, please don’t fire me. If you work in customer service, I salute you a thousand times. If you are none of these things, how on earth have you just read 3,000 words of this utter tripe? Find something better to do with your day.

Oh and also, the sticker thing was bullshit. Sorry.