I'm cross again!

Hello everybody! (Presuming more than one of you will read this. I really hope so.) 

I exited my little Norwich bubble last week to visit London. I love going home – my family are there, my friends (not all, but lots) are there, it’s all busy and bright and it’s my home. However, I was irked by something this time.

It’s not hard to be irked by things in London, especially if you hate the general public with a burning passion, like I do. Many of these irksome things occur on public transport – long queues; stupidly long delays (leaves on the track does not a 40-minute standstill make); people pushing you for no earthly reason; bizarre smells (not a good bizarre. A horrific bizarre); and advertising all over the place, wherever you look, forcing its way into your brain until you daydream in fancy colour schemes and £700 tablets and a foot spa that you’ve only just seen but now remember you’ve been needing for your whole entire lifes.

Grrr.

In case you haven’t guessed, this is an advertising-related irk.

There’s a new Nokia that’s just come out. The Lumia 39346456754yourlifeisshitunlessyouhavethisimmediately68123862835904K, or something. Now, I think smartphones are great. I recently became the owner of one and I love it with all my heart and fingertips. It’s got no buttons! It’s got the internet! It’s got an app where you can add tiny pizza slices to selfies which is TOTALLY NECESSARY! It’s fabulous. That’s not what irks me so.

What irks me so is the advert for the new one. Nokia Lumia’s have Windows on them, which is cool. This means you can do all your Microsoft shit anywhere you want. Revolutionary, man. So you can edit your spreadsheets or time your presentations or even draft a blog post (lolz) anywhere. I have no issue with this; it’s actually a really good idea. What I have an issue with is how they have presented this really good idea.

The advert in question features a picture of the phone, looking all shiny, with a display of an Excel spreadsheet on it. The words next to it read “EXCEL IN BED.”

WELL DONE NOKIA AND WINDOWS, YOU MADE A FUNNY, SO MUCH LOL.

What on earth possessed the advertisers to do that?

You might be thinking there’s nothing wrong with it; that actually it’s pretty funny. The reality is that the advert has been sent to us straight from Satan. I’m 100% sure of this. Before I rant on, have a look at it:

An image I took whilst ABSOLUTELY ENRAGED on the tube. Taken on my Nokia Lumia, ironically.

So – Nokia and Windows want us all to “Excel in bed”. Only not in the good way. Nokia and Windows are advocating people using their phones in bed, rather than doing more fun things like sleeping and picking at scabs and eating Chinese food and watching Green Wing. (You thought I was going to say sex, didn’t you? You dirty minded little minx.)

What a moronic idea, Nokia and Windows. Bedtime is the best time for pillowtalk, or having a good long think, or reading a book, or yes, getting down and durrrrty to some good old fashioned Marvin Gaye.  It is not the time for inputting formulas or making graphs or whatever else Excel is supposedly useful for.

The idea that doing work on your phone (or your laptop, or any device, really) is more important than getting the relaxation you’re supposed to at bedtime makes me cross. So cross that I’m considering writing a stern letter to Nokia, Windows and Transport for London. “Dear Advertising Imbeciles, I’m REALLY FUCKING ANGRY with all of you. Here’s why…”

I don’t want to tell anyone what to do, or how to live, but you shouldn't be doing work in bed, regardless of whether or not you share it with someone. You also shouldn't be checking texts, or on Facebook, or taking those god-awful after sex selfies that have started sweeping social media like a disease.

I am basically repeating every Guardian commentisfree article written by a young person in the last eight months, but I really think it’s important. Technology is such a massive part of all of our lives now, but we need to remember to switch off every once in a while.

Enjoy the things in life that don’t come with a screen. I can say this because I am one of the biggest screen-loving offenders; I watch about 400 shows a week, am completely addicted to Facebook and will binge watch TV like nothing you've ever seen.*  However, even I know that the short time I have between getting in to bed and falling asleep is precious. I know that if I spent the whole time on my phone I would be missing out. I've had some of the best relationship-solidifying conversations in bed. Some of the short stories I'm most proud of were formed in those moments, too. If I’d been scrolling through Tinder I highly doubt inspiration would have struck.

Although now that I've said that, a story set in a parallel universe where a Tinder-user meets what she thinks is the love of her life, but is in fact a cyborg centaur, is slowly forming in my mind.

Now stop reading this on your phone, turn over and sleep/read/think/sex it up. You wouldn't want to irk me, now would you?

*I actually think binge-watching would make an excellent competitive sport. Watching people watch TV for 400 straight hours? THAT WOULD BE SO FUCKING GOOD.